Some of the People that used to use the office furniture that is Virgin Records.
It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself- Cracker
Continuing -at least musically- with the theme of the borderlands this slice of Tex-Mex is our parting shot at Virgin Records.
But let me be clear. Being mad at your record label is like being mad at an inanimate object. Record labels are like those unstable 1970′s south american dictatorships. Every 2 or 3 years, the entire upper level of executives is summarily executed and a whole new team is brought in. If only they had the mustaches, uniforms and weaponry of the those great latin american coup leaders!! That would be interesting! No it’s just some dumbass in loafers who loves golf, replaced by some teabag (english) with bad teeth and bordeaux stained blazer, replaced by some dweeb from jersey or florida with a penchant for cavorting with large breasted shiksas that are not their wives.. on and on and on.
Virgin Records. The office furniture has a longer lifespan than the executives.
There is no actual Virgin records other than some office furniture, bank account and a stream of royalties from the back catalogue that pours in no matter which idiot/genius is running the label. So the office furniture-bank account known as Virgin records has dibs on the royalty stream that comes from 7 of my most succesful studio albums.
I like the bank account. I like the office furniture. it sends me checks every once in a while. But the main reason i like that bank account/office furniture is because Johnny Hickman and I won a bet with it. A very large bet.
In 1995 ag the height of our popularity virgin became concerned that we would challenge their contract under the california 7 year personal services statute. They re-upped our contract. They offered us a lot of money per album. Ever since then our records have been un-recouped.
Wow that’s bad isn’t it?
No that’s good. Virgin records bet us we would sell a lot of records. We didn’t and therefore we won the bet. We got paid more than we were worth.
In fact if you sell enough records that you are getting royalties you should fire your lawyer and manager. Because that means they “sold” your rights for too little.
Cause as an artist your royalties are a small percentage of gross. Between 12 and 25%. And you pay all the recording/video/tour support costs from this 12-25%. So if you eventually manage to pay all this back out of this sliver of gross. The record label has made a fortune on the other 75-88%.
In derivatives trading terms. In 1995, Johnny and I went Short Volatility on our career. We sold a Call to virgin record against our future sales. And we won on that trade.
I don’t even know Roy Lott. I don know that he was part of the Crew that nearly bankrupted Virgin. Purportedly they made such onerous deals with Mariah Carey and Robbie williams that they had to slash expenses. They didn’t slash their salaries though. Instead they did things like put out the Cracker Forever Album but cut off all marketing funds for the album. Actually worse they had a list of artists/albums that employees were forbidden to work.
I had a little bit of music and a ridiculous chorus. ”It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself”. Well when this all this happened i suddenly had my target and story.
I chose Roy Lott to mention by name, ONLY because like a lot of music executives he has a big enough ego to credit himself as Executive producer on albums. This makes him a public figure so therefore i can legally parody him in song without worrying about libel or slander.
Jackson Haring with the world’s only mennonite music agent, Frank Riley.
Finally the one person who is not happy about being portrayed in this song is Jackson haring. Jackson was Cracker/Camper Van Beethoven’s manager 1986-2000. We still count him as a dear friend.
At some point in time Jackson worked for Bill Graham Presents. At a Bill Graham presents show for The Residents, ”A prop Eyeball was stolen backstage from The Residents.” In my story “A rumour went around that Jackson was the thief.” Apparently Jackson actually did work for Bill Graham when this theft in real life happened. So some people really think Jackson stole one of the Residents Prop Eyeballs.
When i sent this song to Kenny Margolis, Cracker’s Accordion player and gunslinger, he immediately said “Doug Sahm“. That germ of an idea from Kenny and Johnnys Tex-Mex Guitar stylings really make this song something other than a silly record company kiss-off song.
Lyrics. to It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself.
[INTRO:]
[A] [E] [D] [E] [A]
[A] [E] [D] [E] [A]
CHORUS:
I say[A] baby, it ain’t gonna suck it-[E]-self
Virgin Re-[D]-cords, it[E] ain’t gonna suck it-[A]-self
I say baby, it ain’t gonna suck it-[E]-self
What you[D] waiting for? It[E] ain’t gonna suck it-[A]-self
Well I flew[E] out from Virginie on the very first day
I heard my[A] record company exercise my pay to play
Went to[E] see Mr. Lott but his assistant said no
(Brandy) Se-[A]-curity will escort you to the parking lot
It was[D] 102 degrees I was feeling kind of hot
So I[A] walked across the street for one of those Mexican frozen popsicles
Couldn’t[E] buy just one so I bought myself a box
When I come[A] back the assistant she’s standing in the parking lot
No hard feelings do you want one of these?
But she looks at me like I was speaking Chinese
The security man walks up he helps himself to one
Coincidently Chinese and hot from standing in the sun
Then he helps himself to another he puts it in her hand
But she looks at it like it was a piece of crap
Or a dead and dying bird she didn’t understand
So I was just[E7] trying to be helpful when I said…
CHORUS:
Baby, it ain’t gonna suck itself
Oh Virgin Records, it ain’t gonna suck itself
(Brandy) I beg to differ cousin, it should be, it ain’t gonna lick itself
I do believe you’re right cousin: It ain’t gonna lick itself
Well I’m standing in the parking lot waiting on my ride
His name is Jackson Haring and he’s still inside
He went in through mailroom for some record company swag
But this Virgin Records there ain’t shit to be had
And the halls they was empty because everyone was laid off
And he took a wrong turn ends up in the tape vault
Only one thing to do when you?re standing face to face
With the Sticky Fingers, Let It Be master tapes
You’ve got to stick them in the satchel and head on the down the hall
Saying these will go nicely with that Residents eyeball
Many years ago while working for Bill Graham Presents
A prop eyeball was stolen backstage from The Residents
And the rumor went around that Jackson was the thief
But that’s neither here nor there and I was sitting in the jeep
Looking at the Sticky Fingers master tapes
My popsicle?s dripping on the seat so I throw it out the window – it lands at the feet of Roy Lott
CHORUS:
Hey Roy, it ain’t gonna suck itself
Ah Virgin Records, it ain’t gonna suck itself
And one time for the ladies, It ain’t gonna lick itself
Ah Virgin Records, it ain’t gonna suck itself
[INSTRUMENTAL: CHORDS AS VERSE]
CHORUS:
Baby, it ain’t gonna suck itself
Everyone at Virgin Records, it ain’t gonna suck itself
One for the ladies, it ain’t gonna lick itself
What you waiting for, it ain’t gonna suck itself
CHORUS:
Mr. Lott, it ain’t gonna suck itself
Everyone on Foothill Road, it ain’t gonna suck itself
Just so we’re not totally sexist, it ain’t gonna lick itself
Virgin Records, it ain’t gonna suck itself
